


My favourite book

by retts



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Canon-Compliant, Feelings, Fluff, Happy Ending, Longing, M/M, One True Pairing, Pining, There is sex somewhere, and, or - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-06
Updated: 2013-09-06
Packaged: 2017-12-25 17:14:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/955681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/retts/pseuds/retts
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The thing he missed most was Zayn. All of him, from his cranky morning self to the wanton boy fucking down on Liam’s dick later that night (and sometimes in the afternoon as well). The one who could spout poetry like it was his native tongue and the one who could barely say anything when he was deeply upset. The one who wore fake glasses and felt at home in Liam’s clothes. The one who was mad for kids and shrieked at the sight of spiders. The one who cried in Ghana and the one who drew superheroes who looked like Liam. The one who didn’t eat pork and the one who quietly but fiercely loved Allah. </p><p>Zayn. Liam’s Zayn. The one who, not long ago, had whispered things in Urdu into Liam’s neck that felt like beautiful promises.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My favourite book

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know what this is but I had to write, because I would scream if I didn't. It's been a horrible few weeks for me so expect the same for this story, but I tried my best to make it okay. I still think it's not good though. What can you do?

 

 

 

They didn’t tell anybody. It was just obvious; even when they stood next to each other it felt like they were occupying different spaces. Harry had taken Zayn away to somewhere quiet whilst Louis and Niall surrounded Liam with constant noise and distraction. They were there on either side of him, trying to fill the gap that Zayn usually stood in and sometimes they were the right shape, the right size, but other times it was blatant how ill-fitting they were. 

Liam felt like he was falling on those times and the only one who could catch him was the one who was gone.

(Harry only came to Liam once about it, and Liam had been sort of terrified because it was _Harry_ , but the younger boy had just hugged Liam tight and whispered, ‘I’m sorry, Li,’ and Liam had finally felt like crying.)

(He didn’t.)

 

 

 

 

The thing that Liam missed most was having someone to sleep next to in bed. Zayn would do this thing with his mouth, purse it a bit in sleep, wrinkle his noise as he shifted to his side, hand tucked under his cheek. When Liam rolled away too far, Zayn would grumble and wriggle closer until some part of them were touching. 

Liam missed those.

 

 

 

 

His mum had been devastated and did all of the crying Liam couldn’t seem to do. She clung to him, stroked his hair, and Liam sighed into her neck. 

‘Do you want to talk about it?’ she asked in that gentle tone she’d used when he came home with grass stains on his elbows and worn shoes. When there’d been a scrape on his cheek and no one had come to his birthday.

And like always, Liam shook his head. ‘I’m fine,’ he said, fooling no one. There were dark shadows under his eyes and he was losing weight. ‘I’m fine, Mum.’

His mum looked at him sadly. ‘You were so happy with him.’

 _I wasn’t_ , Liam though. _I was fucking glorious with him._

‘Mum,’ he said firmly, and she sighed and kissed his forehead.

Later, he heard her on the phone with Tricia. She was trying not to weep, and Liam knew that Zayn’s mum was probably already soaked with tears. He wondered if Zayn was listening to her, sat in the shadows like Liam. But Tricia would be careful, made sure that Zayn was tucked in close to Waliyha or Safaa before ringing her best friend.

‘I know, I know, but I’d hoped they would - ‘ Karen stopped herself and Liam finished her sentence in his head: last. Loved each other enough to get past it.

It. What was "it" anyway?

It had been Perrie one minute, the secrecy the next. It had been the constant demands to separate and the growing silence when they found it hard to talk to each other. It had been the ring on Zayn’s finger that didn’t come from the box hidden behind the exercise books on Liam’s bookshelf. It had been dark thoughts on the nights they weren’t allowed to share a room. It had been so many small things that shouldn’t matter, but they did, and they piled on top of one another until it felt like they were miles separating him and Zayn even when they slept on the same bed. 

Liam closed his eyes when his mum asked after Zayn. He didn’t want to know but he stayed, listening to the hitch in Karen’s breath that said it all.

‘It was too much for them,’ murmured Karen, swiping her fingers across her eyes. She sounded so unbearably sad and it made Liam ache in the worst way, because he never meant for any of this to happen. His dreams had come true and yet his heart had been shattered.

 

 

 

 

The thing that Liam missed most was Zayn’s smile. It never failed to make Liam breathless, whether he saw it from afar or right in front of him. Zayn’s best smiles always came from Liam’s lap, when he’d camp there for a few hours and Liam tickled him with fingers or lips. Stretching so far, that smile, that it was all Liam could see and wanted to see forever.

 

 

 

 

The band formed a new set of rules. (1) They didn’t talk about it if Liam or Zayn was present. (2) Nobody tried to look like there was anything different or wrong. (3) On stage, Niall made Liam laugh and Harry focused Zayn’s attention on him and Louis went back and forth. 

Liam had counted each new rule and thought that it was a wall dividing all of them.

And it wasn’t like Zayn and Liam never talked. They spent nearly every day together and it was a reflex to say "good morning" or "hello" or "how are you?"

Liam never forgot, though. Every time they spoke, or looked at each other, or touched (accidentally but sometimes not, when Liam literally ached to feel any part of Zayn, even just the briefest contact of their elbows, or the brush of their pinkies when they reached for something at the same time), Liam would get lost in Zayn again - but he never forgot the truth. Each moment felt stolen, like in the old days when they’d first began, only this time they were drifting apart instead of closer.

It was a bit ridiculous when Niall actually stopped Liam from entering the room first, and only letting him through when he’d made sure Zayn wasn’t there.

It would be funny if it wasn’t so fucking pathetic.

‘Niall, stop,’ Liam said wearily. 

Niall smiled at him. ‘Stop what, Liam?’

‘You don’t have to - ’ Liam waved a hand at the room before rubbing at his wrinkled forehead. ‘Just stop, yeah? I can handle it. We’re in the same fucking band, for fuck’s sake!’

A few minutes later, Liam had to eat his words because Zayn came in wearing one of Liam’s old shirts. Liam wasn’t sure if Zayn did it on purpose or forgot that it was Liam’s because he’d been nicking his clothes for so long, but it was like a punch in the gut all the same.

After what felt like the first time in ages, Liam saw Zayn . He’d been out of focus before, even when he was all Liam could pay attention to no matter how hard he tried not to, but always in this faraway, blurry way. Some sort of defence mehanism, Liam reckoned. Now, though, Zayn was so clear that it was blinding. His narrow frame, his skinny wrists, his sad eyes.

‘Hello, Li,’ murmured Zayn, settling on the nearby armchair. His hands were closed tight around his knees.

Liam swallowed. He felt hot and cold at the same time, and there was something blocking his throat. He couldn’t even return the bloody greeting. His palms itched so he closed them into fists. Liam licked his lips and watched as Zayn watched the movement. Their eyes met and Liam could see the pure brown of those irises even from where he sat.

‘Liam?’ Niall came over and stroked through Liam’s hair. Zayn looked away, face twisting in something like pain. _He used to do that_ , Liam thought a little hysterically, _when he wanted to calm me down. Zayn used to smile when he saw me._

‘I need to - ’ He stood up abruptly. He wasn’t alright, not even a little bit, and his careful illusion crumbled around him. What did Liam need?

The answer was right in front of him, and why did Liam think it was fine to still be in the same band as Zayn, to still see him every day, to still hear him sing, to be within touching distance of him? Why did he think he could handle it?

How the fuck was Zayn handling it?

(‘He barely eats or sleeps,’ Harry had said and Liam hadn’t meant to listen but he couldn’t move his feet, get away from the miserable truth. ‘And when he does, he dreams and calls out for Liam.’

Louis had rubbed at his eyes. ‘Liam’s doing just as badly, he just pretends he isn’t.’

‘What are we going to do, Lou?’

‘What can we do? It’s what they want. Or what they think they want. They’re being fucking idiots, is what.’)

 

 

 

 

The thing that Liam missed most was how they kissed. Sometimes soft, sometimes hard, sometimes so teasing that Liam felt like his dick was going to drill straight out of his pants if Zayn didn’t kiss him proper (and fuck him proper afterwards). They’d kiss for hours, on the bed, on the couch, with Zayn on Liam’s lap, or Liam hovering over him. Zayn’s lips were criminally soft and sweet, and his tongue could do the most wicked things.

Zayn kissed Liam a thousand different ways and Liam knew each one. He was afraid he’d forget them as much as he was terrified that he would always remember.

 

 

 

 

Singing was the hardest part. Liam had no idea just how many lines he actually sang to Zayn, that was meant for Zayn. Muscle memory made him turn towards the other boy during _Little Things_ , and _Summer Love_ never felt so painful before. He kept quiet after _Last First Kiss_ and he couldn’t hide his face fast enough during _Moments_. 

The first few shows after their breakup were the hardest. It was like learning to be a band all over again. He messed up more times than he could ever remember doing and most of the time he was torn by the impulse to beg Zayn to come back or to disappear forever. 

He knew their fans noticed but Liam pretended he didn’t see the trends on Twitter or the tags on Tumblr. He continued to post the silliest things, misspelled his words, caused a few people to hate on him for whatever he’d done this time. It was everything he’d done before but now he was alone, no one to laugh with at the lewd reply to his Tweets or comfort him when all he could see was the hate.

Management was happy, that was for sure. It was one less thing to worry about, one more thing they could brag about destroying. Liam thought that they would just have been fine if outside forces hadn't tried to break them up but then again, it had been Liam and Zayn who had actually let them cause doubts, and when they’d noticed the rift between them, it had been too late.

They were supposed to be together forever. At least, it was what they’d promised each other at night, limbs tangled like seaweed, the duvet over their heads protecting them from the world. Unfoerunately it didn’t protect them enough.

 

 

 

 

It was the sort of night that felt like it was going to rain heavily, probably flood the entire world in an apocalyptic re-run; quiet, humid, dark. Liam found Zayn outside, smoking, like he knew he would. Liam had tried to stay away but some traitorous voice in the back of his head whispered that if they were still going to be friends, they’d have to spend time together. Why not now? It wouldn’t mean anything. 

(Liam was always the best at lying when it came to himself.)

‘How many?’ asked Liam, choosing to sit on the uncomfortable cast-iron chair. From there, he could see Zayn and not see Zayn at the same time. Just the shadow of his form and the glowing tip of his cigarette.

After a beat, Zayn answered. ‘Fifteen.’

‘That’s too much,’ Liam protested, then bit his tongue. What right did he have?

 _I’m still his best mate_ , Liam argued silently.

_Are you?_

_Shut the bloody fuck up._

‘Need it, or I can’t breathe,’ Zayn said softly, scuffing the toe of his Nikes on the floor. He stared streadily at Liam; or at least Liam thought so, since he could feel the hairs at the back of his neck stand on end with awareness. ‘It used to be you, but now it just hurts. So lung cancer it is.’

Liam slumped down and rubbed at his mouth. It was curled in a smile, wry though it was.

‘Why is it still easy to talk to you when we’re alone, but I can’t seem to do it when there are other people around. Shouldn’t it be the other way?’

‘You tell me, Li.’

Liam licked his lips. ‘I don’t cry.’

‘I can’t stop.’

‘Do you miss me?’

‘Like fuck.’

Liam stood up. It had started to drizzle in the last few minutes and his hair was slowly becoming damp. He walked towards Zayn, close enough to feel his body heat, and plucked the cigarette from his mouth and threw it on the ground. It would be so easy to lean forward and kiss him. Liam could already smell him. From where he stood, Liam could already see him. So why not?

Zayn reached up and brushed the rain from Liam’s shoulders. His fingertips tickled the side of Liam’s neck.

‘You messed up tonight,’ Zayn murmured, ‘during _More Than This_.’

‘It reminded me of you,’ Liam said, swaying forward a little. Their foreheads touched. Even that simple contact burnt Liam from the inside out. His voice shook. ‘Everything reminds me of you.’

‘My bed is cold,’ said Zayn eventually when the silence dragged on.

‘Mine too,’ said Liam.

‘It’s over, though. I can’t.’

(‘Can’t you really?’ Liam should have whispered. He did, actually, but the rain was falling so hard by then that Zayn didn’t hear it.)

 

 

 

 

The thing he missed most was their conversations. People had this perception of Liam as someone cute but daft, who was alarmingly articulate during interviews but was probably bullshitting for most of it. Liam wasn’t offended, exactly, because Zayn made him feel like he was the best conversationalist in the world. How couldn’t he, when Zayn laughed and nodded at everything he said.

Now Zayn, he was so fucking smart. When he talked, you just had to listen, even when he was saying something stupid like he’d choked on a banana one time because he’d been laughing too hard (at something Liam said, of course).

It was just that when they talked, Liam  felt like Zayn was really listening to him. More importantly, he understood. Liam could ramble about Batman for hours and at the end of it Zayn would nod and give his own opinion with a sense of gravitas as if they were discussing about the meaning of life. Zayn always took him seriously, was the thing, and made Liam believe that he was worth paying attention to. It was only something his parents were able to do until Zayn was added to that short list.

Until Zayn.

 

 

 

 

It didn’t get better but Liam coasted. He smiled and he laughed. It almost felt real. As long as he didn’t look too much at Zayn, it was the truth as far as Liam was concerned.

There were times Zayn smiled and laughed too, and Liam always felt the irrational fear that he was getting over Liam, finding his footing again. It was stupid because he ought to want that, except he didn’t. The thought of Zayn moving on was almost as worse as the thought of losing Zayn in the first place had been.

They hadn’t talked to each other again the way they had that one night, and Liam didn’t know if he was relieved or disappointed. He didn’t know a lot of things right now.

It was then that Management announced that Liam needed a new girlfriend.

They were pulling the plug on the engagement, they said, going ahead with another cheating scandal that would definitely tarnish Zayn, and it was decided that a new romance would balance out the negative press.

Liam hadn’t been in that meeting when the higher ups agreed they would sacrifice Zayn for Little Mix but he couldn’t stay away from the aftermath.

Zayn was furious, had already broken a lamp, a glass ashtray, and two of his knuckles. A part of Liam felt like it wasn’t really his responsibility anymore, but when Zayn looked at Liam with wet, empty eyes, and Harry could barely stop Zayn from hurting his other hand, he knew that was another lie. Zayn would always be his responsibility.

So he went and carefully stopped Zayn from punching the wall again. He prodded the other boy towards the bed and under the duvet. Zayn grunted and buried his face in the pillow. Only the shivers every few seconds gave away the fact that he was still crying. Liam tried to leave the bed to go find some ice for Zayn’s swollen knuckles but Zayn refused to let go of Liam’s shirt.

‘Zayn - ’ The name made his tongue dart out and lick his lips. It had been an age and a half since he’d said it.

Zayn shook his head, face still hidden into the pillow. ‘No,’ he said. ‘Please, Liam.’

Sighing, Liam sat back down and let Zayn shift closer towards him, tucking his face into the curve of Liam’s hip. The door to the room opened and Louis came in. His eyebrow rose when he saw them and Liam shook his head.

‘An ice pack,’ he told Louis, keeping his voice low, ‘and the emergency kit. Please.’

Louis glanced at Zayn’s huddled form, frowning severely, then pinched the bridge of his nose. He let out a long breath, squared his shoulders, and bent towards Liam. He whispered, ‘What about you?’

Liam pushed Louis away by the chest. ‘It’s fine. Just get me those things, yeah? I’ll - I’ll sort it out, it’s alright.’

After a moment, Louis gave a tight nod, and after one last look at Zayn, he left. Once the door closed behind him, Liam hesitantly allowed himself to run his fingers through Zayn’s hair. Zayn tilted his head and Liam understood; he always did. His fingers scratched lightly at the other boy’s scalp. Liam couldn’t tear his gaze from the sight of his fingers sifting through the fine black strands. It was always a mystery how Zayn’s hair remained so soft despite the obscene amouts of product he used on it.

‘S’not fair,’ Zayn mumbled, the arm thrown around Liam’s waist tightening. He buried his face deeper into Liam’s warmth. ‘Not fair, not fair, not fair.’

‘Shhhh, I know, baby,’ - and God, did that sting - ‘nothing is fair. You have to give up some things to have your dreams come true.’

‘Don’t fucking quote song lyrics at me,’ Zayn snapped heatedly. 

‘Which song is that, then?’

Zayn was quiet for a minute or two. ‘I dunno,’ he muttered, hint of sullenness in his voice, ‘but I bet you anything that someone’s sung it.’

‘We could, in the next album,’ Liam said. ‘Make it maudlin, make our fans cry.’

‘Don’t use big words when I’m upset because it makes me want to kiss you.’

Liam swallowed, unexpected mirth and unsurprising ache fighting for dominance in his chest. Before he could say anything, Louis came back with everything he’d asked for, plus a bonus Harry who brought them each a mug of tea.

‘Here you go, Doctor,’ Louis said as he placed the medicine kit and ice pack on the bedside table. ‘Do your thing. Pretend it’s a sonic screwdriver.’

‘Not that kind of Doctor,’ Liam said, and he twisted sideways to open the kit and take out the idione and cotton pads. Zayn’s fingers loosened on his shirt but didn’t let go.

Harry went to Zayn’s side, placing the mugs down on the other bedside table. He stroked Zayn’s hair and sighed. ‘Need anything else, Zaynie?’

There was a pause, then, tugging on Liam’s shirt, Zayn said, ‘No, I’ve got everything I need here.’

Liam closed his eyes because that. He had no words. He felt Louis touch his fringe and he wanted to burst into tears. It was such a stupid moment to _want_ to but he couldn’t. He took several deep breaths, but silently so Zayn’s wouldn’t hear, and forced his hands to stop shaking. He could do nothing about the tears clogging up his throat so he just didn’t say anything. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Louis and Harry exchange weighted glances before they excused themselves.

‘Bye,’ Harry whispered just as the door closed.

Liam bit his bottom lip and blinked a few hundred times until his vision cleared. He had to hastily wipe at his cheeks, though, before he set about cleaning Zayn’s cuts.

‘I’m getting a new girlfriend,’ Liam blurted out, because he was foolish like that. Zayn stayed completely still before his fingers curled tightly around Liam’s, opening the cuts once more. Liam hissed and quickly dabbed at the blood.

‘Bloody fucking unfair,’ Zayn said, resentment and anger in between the cracks in his voice. An eye peered up at Liam, tired and miserable. ‘I thought breaking up was supposed to stop me from feeling this way but it’s just not working, Li.’

It really wasn’t. Liam had no answer to that so he kept quiet, merely finished wrapping Zayn’s knuckles with the bandage. He ran his fingers over the back of Zayn’s hand, tracing the delicate veins there. His mouth dried up with the desire to kiss Zayn’s skin.

 

 

 

 

The thing Liam missed most was the way Zayn made Liam feel. It wasn’t just happiness or contentment or desire, but the depth of feeling as well. Everything was a million times more vivid with Zayn there. The scream of the audience, the rush of a successful concert, the need to kiss Zayn. Life was brighter, food was tastier, happiness was almost painful. 

Zayn even made the black misery feel _more_.

 

 

 

 

Sophia was unfamiliar, and not just the curves under his hands. He supposed they fit in that particular way that the rest of the world demanded, but Liam felt like he was stood on shaky feet whenever he was with her. She smiled and waved at the cameras, obviously enjoying herself, and Liam still couldn’t hold her hand properly. 

What made it slightly easier was her stories back home, but even then she spoke of people Liam had never formed a close attachment to, not like the boys and the band. Sophia knew it was all an act and she played her part perfectly, better than Danielle ever did. She seemed to know how to make Liam feel comfortable, how to distract him from the paps, how to make him laugh, even.

Gradually he relaxed in her presence, until she was almost a friend. There was that one hurdle, however, that Liam couldn’t get past: the invisible brand of Management on her forehead.

They were supposed to go on their fifth date that night, and Liam was trying out smiles in the mirror. They were on this side of flat but who would notice? Or who would notice that much?

He straightened the jacket he had been given by wardrobe, snapped on his watch (and he didn’t feel better because the underside had his initial next to Zayn’s engraved on the the titanium) and went out the door. They were supposed to meet at the lobby of the hotel and leave out hand in hand. He knew a large number of paps were already congregated outside, called in by Management.

He passed by Harry’s room when he thought he heard his name being said.

By Zayn’s voice.

He immediately stopped and huddled by the door, glancing over his shoulder to make sure there was no one there.

God, he was pathetic.

‘ - talk about superheroes, but especially Batman.’

‘I already know that one.’

‘It can never be stressed enough, Liam’s love for Batman.’

‘What else?’

‘He likes paying for stuff, so let him.’

Sophia asked, ‘Did you let him pay for you?’

‘I like being pampered,’ Zayn eventually muttered, and Liam could just imagine him, head ducked down and cheeks pink, one hand rubbing the back of his neck. But then he’d get this defiant look on his face, the one that he used to wear when he faced Management and the endless questions about their relationship.

Liam covered his eyes with an unsteady palm, lips curled in a faint smile. Oh.

‘I heard you two were quite something,’ Sophia said, not meanly. Curious.

They were, they were, they were.

‘We were.’ Zayn cleared his throat. ‘Now, alcohol. Don’t let him drink too much. He’ll say he can handle it but he can’t, especially since you’re going to Funky Buddha.’ His voice took on a bit of an edge. ‘ _Don’t_ take advantage of him.’

Liam pressed his other fist to his mouth. He didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Fuck, he loved Zayn so much. Nothing had really changed that.

 

 

 

 

Funky Buddha was a disaster. At least, Liam thought so. And so did the other lads. Zayn wasn’t speaking to him and for the first time it felt like they were truly, honestly over. 

Liam wasn’t sure how convincing his "I was drunk" excuse was after the fifth time he used it.

It was just that Liam couldn’t stop thinking. That was always his problem. He let his thoughts get away with him until they ran right over the proverbial cliff, bringing his common sense with them.

Then his anger kicked in. Why did he have to feel guilty, anyway? He and Zayn broke up months ago. Sophia was supposedly his girlfriend. What was the problem?

Liam had a very good answer but he was also an expert at evading those when it came to him.

So during the break, Liam kept to himself, locked away in his massive, empty flat. He kept his phone off, didn’t go on the Internet, and switched between watching his Friends DVDs and Toy Story 1 to 4. He didn’t shave and he carried around the pillow Zayn used to sleep on.

Nobody came to see him and he was fine with that. He was.

 

 

 

 

The thing he missed most was Zayn. All of him, from his cranky morning self to the wanton boy fucking down on Liam’s dick later that night (and sometimes in the afternoon as well). The one who could spout poetry like it was his native tongue and the one who could barely say anything when he was deeply upset. The one who wore fake glasses and felt at home in Liam’s clothes. The one who was mad for kids and shrieked at the sight of spiders. The one who cried in Ghana and the one who drew superheroes who looked like Liam. The one who didn’t eat pork and the one who quietly but fiercely loved Allah.

Zayn. Liam’s Zayn. The one who, not long ago, had whispered things in Urdu into Liam’s neck that felt like beautiful promises.

 

 

 

 

‘Liam, Liam Payne, you better open this door, you daft fuck!’

Liam did, after a bit, because he didn’t like being called stupid even if he was. ‘Hello to you too, Niall.’

Niall wasn’t smiling. His eyes were bloodshot and his hair was limp.

Liam immediately straightened, frown touching his lips. ‘Niall, what’s the matter?’

‘Get dressed. We’re kidnapping Zayn today.’

‘What?’

‘No questions, Liam. Just do it.’

Something in Niall’s eyes brooked no argument and Liam turned around to do just that, but then Niall grabbed Liam and hugged him tightly.

‘Don’t disappear ever again, Li,’ Niall muttered into his neck. ‘We love you too. Alright?’

Liam wrapped his arms around the other boy, breathing him in. His eyes prickled. ‘Yeah, I’m sorry, sorry,’ he mumbled softly, contrite.

Niall hiccuped out a teary laugh. ‘You’re so stupid, Payno.’

‘I am.’

‘Go have a bath. You stink.’

‘I do. Niall?’

‘What?’

‘I love you too.’ Liam pulled back and chewed on his bottom lip. ‘How cross is Louis?’

‘Pretty fucking cross, mate. I’m already writing the eulogy for your funeral in my head,’ answered Niall, more cheerful than he was a few minutes ago. ‘Now go, get yourself sorted. Zayn’ll need you, yeah?’

Liam nodded and disentangled himself from the other boy. As he was shutting the bathroom door, Liam heard Niall call out, 'You know he'll need you forever, Liam.' 

 

 

 

 

The first article came out this morning, and The Sun was gleeful in picking apart Zayn’s second-third-fourth-can-we-really-know-for-sure-this-bloke-is-shifty cheating scandal. It had been Grimmy who’d called Harry, who’d called Liam, and when Liam still hadn’t answered, he’d rang Louis. 

‘You worthless, pathetic, sad excuse of a - ‘

‘I love you too, Louis,’ Liam said meekly from the backseat.

‘Shut up,’ Louis snapped, hands tight on the steering wheel, ‘you don’t get to be cute yet, Liam.’

Harry turned round in the passenger seat and made a face at Liam. Liam smiled tentatively at him and Harry rolled his eyes and held out a fist. Liam grinned and tapped it with his own.

‘This is going to be a long drive,’ Niall spoke up from beside Liam. ‘Can we stop at Nando’s after we get Zayn?’ 

‘Where are we going, anyway?’

‘Where else?’ Harry said, ruffling his hair. He glanced at his mobile and frowned. ‘Still not picking up.’

Liam felt all eyes turn towards him. He held out a placating hand and fished out his mobile from his joggers with his other one. He pressed 1 on speed dial. His heart lurched with every ring. What if Zayn didn’t answer? What if he’d waited too long? What if?

The relief was nearly sickening when Zayn finally picked up on the eight ring. He was met with sniffles and Liam ached right to the centre of him.

‘Zayn, Zayn, listen, we’re coming, yeah? We are, just wait for a bit. Traffic’s dead awful.’

‘Li?’

‘Yeah?’

‘Are you coming too?’

Liam bit his lip. ‘Always, babe. We’re nearly there.’

 

 

 

 

Zayn was quiet and subdued, hair a mess. As Liam had anticipated, his knuckles were bruised. Liam gently took the other boy’s hands, biting down on his lower lip when Zayn flinched. 

‘Does it hurt a lot?’ asked Liam, thumb brushing the inside of Zayn’s wrist.

Zayn met his gaze before looking away, shoulders hunched in. ‘No.’

‘Oh.’ Liam let go of Zayn, hurt slicing his belly open, and Zayn curled into a ball against Niall’s side. Niall instantly placed an arm around him, sending Liam a sympathetic look.

It was his fault anyway, Liam reminded himself. He leant his forehead against the window, watching the countryside pass by in a blur. He sighed and closed his eyes, but then they snapped open a second later when he felt hesitant fingers slotting with his. Liam looked down at the bird on Zayn’s hand and slowly tightened his fingers around the other boy.

The bungalow was as Liam remembered. Even the stretch of beach hadn’t changed. It was still quiet and sleepy. He could hear the rustle of the shore and Liam longed to dive into the water, swim down deep until he was surrounded by darkness and he stopped thinking because he was too busy trying to swim up and breathe.

Liam shook his head and helped Louis with the bags. Harry had already disappeared with Zayn inside, and Niall was eating a sandwich, leaning against the side of the car.

‘What are you going to do?’ asked Louis, breaking the silence around them.

Liam wondered if playing dumb would hold Louis off but one look at the older boy’s face told him not to even try. ‘I dunno,’ Liam mumbled, shrugging.

‘Christ, Li, do you know how fucking pointless this all is? If you just stop being a bloody pussy then you’d - ‘

‘What, Lou?’ snapped Liam, mouth tightening at the corners. His blood simmered and he slammed the car boot shut. ‘Tell me. Is it going to be easy? I’m finally going to sleep well at night? That I’ll what - get to see Zayn so miserable again?’ His voice cracked and Liam swallowed.

‘Li, you know he wasn’t,’ Louis said, reaching out for him.

Liam shrugged him off. ‘Don’t say that to me when you don’t know. When you didn’t see...’ He dug the heels of his hands into his eyes, furiously refusing to cry. Fuck, where was the numbness he’d had back then? ‘And - and I was tired, alright? I didn’t think it would be that hard. I couldn’t - I love him, Lou, I love him so much that sometimes I can’t even get up in the morning for missing him, but I couldn’t - we couldn’t - ’

‘But now, can you?’ Louis persisted despite the warning sound Niall made. Louis lifted Liam’s chin and held his gaze. ‘Can you handle it now or can you finally let go? Because you two can’t go on like this, Liam; it’ll destroy both of you. So can you _sort_ it?’

Liam was dizzy. He didn’t want to face this yet. He knew, in the back of his mind, that he hadn’t been coping at all, that this was going to happen sooner or later. His bottom lip trembled and he heard Louis blow out a sigh. A hand came to hold the back of Liam’s head.

‘Okay, Li. Breathe, yeah? You’re tired. We all are. We have to look after Zayn first. Then - everything else.’

Niall snorted and grabbed one of the duffels from the ground. He lightly knocked his fist on Liam’s shoulder. ‘I don’t know about you lot but I am so fucking done with the bullshit.’

They went inside the house, and Liam couldn’t help but think that the ringing silence was so completely different from the energy when they’d first come here, bright eyed boys slowly getting to know each other and whispering about their possible future. That future was their reality now and sometimes Liam didn’t think it was worth it.

It was Niall’s idea for them to all sleep in the lounge, like what they’d done before. Liam helped him push all the furniture against the walls and spread out the duvet and pillows on the floor. Niall chattered about his trip back home to Ireland and Liam tried to listen, he did, but his mind kept wandering to Zayn.

‘You’re not even paying attention,’ Niall complained but he had a fond smile on.

Liam ducked his head sheepishly. ‘Sorry, mate.’

‘If I have to hear the word "sorry" from you again - ’ Niall grabbed a pillow and aimed it at Liam’s face.

Liam laughed, startled, and grabbed it in midair. He lowered the pillow and stuck out his tongue at Niall.

Niall shot him a lopsided smile. ‘I love the two of you together, Liam.’

Liam sat back down with a huff. ‘That’s not fair, Nialler.’

‘You gotta learn how to handle people, Liam,’ said Niall with a hint of cheek. ‘I just want to see you happy, mate. It’s no use being in this bloody band if we’re all miserable twats. S’not what I signed up for, you know? Gotta know what makes you happy and hold on to that because this life will try to snatch it away from you at every opportunity. People don’t care about your feelings, Payno, just what you can do for them. So don’t let them win.’

Liam frowned down at the pillow, plucking at the fabric. Then he raised his eyes to Niall, one side of his mouth pulling in a smile. ‘I should have sought your advice months ago, Niall.’

Niall spread out his hands. ‘What can I say, Li? You’re a donut.’

‘That’s my line, wanker.’

‘Oi, no name calling!’

Louis strode into the room carrying a plastic bag. ‘You two aren’t done yet?’ he demanded, setting the bag down on the coffee table by the wall. ‘I was at the shop for thirty minutes, you guys!’

‘I hear the clinking of beer bottles,’ chirped Niall as he jumped up to peer eagerly into the bag. ‘Stella, Louis? Are you fucking serious? It's just like fermented water, mate!’

Liam got to his knees with a small sigh, smiling faintly as he listened to Louis and Niall argue behind him. He tugged on the blankets until they were properly set on the floor. His mind turned (inevitably, it always seemed) to Zayn. He glanced at the closed door to his right where Zayn and Harry had disappeared into an hour ago. They were still in there. Liam nibbled on his thumbnail, eyebrows knotting together. The urgent need to check on Zayn grew and grew until it felt like it was going to burst Liam’s ribcage open -

‘Ow!’ Liam clutched the back of his head and glared over his shoulder at Louis, who looked particularly smug.

‘Go on already, I can’t handle all this suspense,’ Louis ordered, pointing a finger at him.

‘Fuck you,’ Liam said flatly but got to his feet. ‘You better sleep with one eye open tonight, Tomlinson.’

Louis snorted. ‘Please, what are you going to do? Stare at me with puppy eyes until I break down in terror? Next!’

‘Nice one,’ snickered Niall, trying to pop open the beer cap with his teeth.

‘Fucking hell, Niall, what are you doing? Wait until I get the bottle opener from the kitchen, you loopy leprechaun!’

Liam stared at his two best mates with affection as Louis dragged Niall to the kitchen. Then he dusted off his knees and made his way to Harry’s room. He sucked in a fortifying breath and raised his fist to knock.

The door opened and Harry blinked at him.

Liam blinked back.

‘He’s asleep,’ Harry whispered as he carefully closed the door. He ran a hand through his curls. ‘Doesn’t want to talk to anybody. I already took care of his hands, by the way. Removed the lamps there too. Confiscated his laptop. We’ll have to lock away all our mobiles too, just in case. Phone your mum later, yeah?’

‘Right.’ Liam licked his lips and stepped back. ‘How’s he doing?’

‘As well as you and I imagined him to be.’ Harry shrugged and looked at Liam dead in the eyes. ‘I missed you, Liam.’

Liam made a face and dragged Harry in for a hug. He knew that Harry didn’t just mean during the break. ‘Me too, Haz.’

‘No one’s called me that in forever,’ mumbled Harry.

‘The other lads do.’

‘Nah, it’s always been your nickname, Li,’ said Harry, pulling away but keeping his hands on Liam’s shoulders. He drew forward and knocked their foreheads lightly together, once. ‘You two are being idiots. Make up already. We can’t be happy unless you two are.’

‘It’s not that easy,’ Liam protested weakly, his voice petering away under the intense green of Harry’s eyes.

‘Of course it’s not,’ chided Harry as he let go of Liam after one last quick hug. ‘But doesn’t it simply mean that it’s more worth it in the end?’

‘When did all my mates become so wise,’ Liam muttered under his breath and smiled when Harry laughed in that slow, genuine way of his. Liam dragged his hand through Harry’s curls; he _had_ missed the other boy like a lost limb.

‘We grew up when you were too busy moping about.’

‘Hazza!’

‘Kidding, but not really.’ Harry peered over Liam towards the kitchen when they heard Niall’s disgruntled squawk. ‘What on earth is happening?’

‘Louis' choice of beer tonight is Stella.’

‘I told him vodka, though!’ Harry moved towards the kitchen but then stopped, arching his eyebrows at Liam. ‘You coming?’

Liam stared at the door for a minute, imagining Zayn huddled on the bed by himself. He turned round and caught up to Harry, letting the younger boy wrap an arm round his waist. ‘Yeah. Anyway, I haven’t properly asked: how are you and Michael?’

Harry’s eyes lit up as he talked about the other boy, waving his free arm in the air. Liam listened to him, envy pooling in his chest. He wanted to feel that way again.

 

 

 

 

His mum answered on the first ring. ‘Liam, are you alright? What is it? Has anything happened?’

‘Since the last time you asked, which was thirty minutes ago?’ Liam said, hint of amusement colouring his voice. ‘No, Mum, I just wanted to let you know that we’ll be hiding our phones for the next few days. We’ll text when something’s happened but it’s better if we disappear for a bit, I reckon.’

‘Yes, that’ll be for the better, but perhaps don’t turn off all of your mobiles in case we need to contact you.’

‘Alright.’ Liam closed his eyes against the bright sunlight reflecting off the surface of the sea. The wind ruffled his hair and he pressed the heel of his palm to his right eye.

His mum’s voice was gentle when she asked, ‘And you, love?’

‘They want me to fix it,’ Liam confessed softly, kicking at the sand beneath his feet. ‘Not just the cheating thing, although that’s something I can’t fucking – sorry, Mum – do anything about, but the thing between Zayn and me. It’s hard, Mum, and I’m scared because what if I fuck – sorry, sorry – mess it up again? I don’t know what to do.’

‘Oh, love, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, you know that.’

‘That’s not what everyone’s saying,’ he muttered somewhat petulantly.

‘Liam, don’t be daft. Of course we’d love it if you and Zayn got back together because you were so happy with him, and that’s all I ever ask for: that you’re happy. And you’re not, are you?’

Liam let out a soft chuckle. ‘I’m the opposite of happy.’

He heard her sigh heavily, and maybe a sniffle or two muffled by her hand. ‘Then Liam, what will make you happy?’

 

 

 

 

Liam declined and said he’d rather stay inside when Louis suggested a game of football later that afternoon, and Louis had looked at Liam like his stomach had burst open and an alien popped out from it. 

Harry wheezed and slapped lightly at Louis’ cheek. ‘He’s outgrowing football, Lou!’

‘Blasphemy,’ snapped Louis, swatting Harry’s hand away. ‘You,’ he turned to Niall, who was already drunk, ‘and you, we are playing. Leave Daddy here to grow old by himself.’

Niall’s face twisted. ‘I thought we’d agreed not to call Liam "Daddy" anymore after hearing Zayn - ’

‘Sorry, sorry, just don’t say it,’ Louis interrupted hastily. All three of them wore vaguely traumatised looks and Liam rolled his eyes and threw the football at Louis. It didn’t hurt all that much, them talking casually about him and Zayn.

(Except it still did, bone deep.)

(And Liam remembered that night with flushed cheeks and a tightening in his groin because fuck, that had been a brilliant night; they’d broken the headboard.)

Making himself comfortable on the nest of blankets, Liam stole a peek at the room Zayn was in. Still shut tight. He lay on his stomach, chin pillowed on his arm. He had a book with him, something worn and uninteresting he’d grabbed from the bookshelf. His eyes started hurting just reading the first page and by the fifth, Liam gave up and tossed the book on the sofa. He rolled onto his back and stared up at the ceiling, arms were folded under his head. Maybe a kip would do him good. God knew that he wouldn’t be able to sleep later.

Liam wasn’t sure what woke him - he could hear Harry and Niall screaming gleefully outside but it was too distant to have disturbed his nap. He was rubbing a fist over his eye, lips opening around a yawn, when he finally registered the warm weight snuggled into his side.

Heart jumping into his throat, Liam looked sideways and found Zayn there, hand clenched tightly around the front of Liam’s shirt.

‘Zayn,’ he whispered, voice hoarse from his nap. ‘What’re you - ’

‘Can we - ’ Zayn’s voice was thick and scratchy; tearful; small, ‘ - can you pretend that we’re still okay? Please? Just this once because I - ’

Liam’s gaze fell to the mobile clutched in Zayn’s other fist and he made a sound deep in his throat. ‘Babe, c’mere,’ he said and Zayn let out a shaky gasp as Liam hauled him closer, almost all the way over his chest.

Zayn buried his face into Liam’s neck. The slight graze of his lips made Liam tremble just as hard as Zayn.

‘What did you read?’

‘Everything. Even the articles from Russia. Russia, Li, can you believe it? I’m the bad guy again; I’m _always_ the bad guy. I broke Perrie’s heart, I ruined the band, I’m a useless mockery - ’

‘Shut up,’ Liam said tightly, wrapping his arms around Zayn and pressing them even closer together if that was possible; it was. ‘You’re Zayn Malik, you’re beautiful and talented and kind and we’d be nothing without you. Perrie and Management can just fuck off. The rest of the world can too, if they believe those shit stories.’ He cupped the side of Zayn’s face and tilted it up so their eyes met. ‘I love you and you have _nothing_ to be ashamed of. You’ve done nothing wrong. Not a single fucking thing, Zayn.’

Zayn stared at him, wide-eyed, bottom lip sucked into his mouth. He let go of the phone and reached up to stroke the stubble on Liam’s jaw. Tears clung to his eyelashes. ‘Yes, yeah,’ he mumbled roughly then tucked his face into Liam’s neck again.

Liam’s heart was pounding furiously and he rubbed Zayn’s back, hoping to soothe him. He knew what he’d just said: _I love you_. It felt like the first time Liam had said those three words, fear and anxiety churning in his gut as he waited for Zayn to say anything.

He didn’t, though, and Liam clenched his jaw shut to stop himself from sobbing. The physical pain distracted him from the soul-crushing ache in the middle of his chest. Zayn clung to him, and Liam realised that he still didn’t know what to do. Despite his grief, Liam still revelled in the feeling of Zayn back in arms, but.

That was the first time Zayn didn't say the words back.

 

 

 

 

The next two days snuck by quietly, all of them cut off from the world. They tried their best to cheer Zayn up, coax a smile on his pale lips. Once or twice Niall made him laugh. Liam told himself he wasn’t but he was still keeping his distance. More than ever, he had no idea where he stood with Zayn. Louis hasn’t pestered him again about the whole thing and Liam was relieved. His thoughts were jumbled, and his emotions were no better. There was a war raging inside Liam, each side telling him a different story and he didn’t know which to believe. So he kept away most of the time, unless he couldn’t stand it in anymore and had to see how Zayn was doing. During those times, they’d sit in silence, not touching. It was torture. 

Zayn, though, couldn’t stop staring at Liam. His gaze was unreadable and intense, and he didn’t look away whenever Liam caught him. Even when Zayn was with the other boys, his eyes would follow after Liam. It was unnerving and amazing at the same time.

‘He looks like he’s going to eat you whole,’ Niall muttered out of the corner of his mouth on the third morning, slapping Liam’s arse lightly.

Heat crept up high on Liam’s cheeks. ‘Shut it, you.’

‘You two suck at communication,’ was Niall’s parting comment, shoving crisps into his mouth as he left to find ‘someone fun around here!’

Liam scrubbed his hands through his hair before covering his face. He breathed out of his nose and slumped against the counter. He needed a swim, Liam decided. He grabbed his swim trunks from his bag in one of the guest rooms and went to change in the bathroom. He finished lathering sun block on his arms and back and grabbed a beach towel from the rack.

‘I’m going for a dip, lads,’ Liam said, hurrying past the lounge. Harry wolf-whistled and Niall pretended to faint.

Zayn licked his lips and stood up. ‘Hey, Li?’

Liam jolted to a stop, eyeing Zayn warily. ‘Uh, yeah?’

The other three boys were staring avidly at them; Louis picked out a handful of crisps from Niall’s bowl.

‘Can I come along?’

Liam’s eyebrows rose up. ‘You want to...swim?’

Zayn nodded, scratching behind his ear. ‘If you could teach me?’ he asked quietly, a hint of shyness in his voice.

Liam clutched his towel tighter. ‘Really? You honestly want to swim?’

‘Lord, Liam, how many times does the boy have to say it for you to understand?’ Louis burst out before glaring at Harry who had poked his elbow into Louis’ ribs. ‘What, Harry?’

Zayn’s face closed off and Liam silently cursed himself. He offered a crooked smile and shrugged one shoulder. ‘I mean, I’d love to teach you, Zayn. I’d been waiting forever for this opportunity. I’ll meet you out on the beach, okay?’

After a beat, Zayn nodded and rolled his eyes when the other boys let out an excited cheer.

‘Idiots,’ Zayn muttered, rubbing at his nose, and hurried to change after one last look at Liam.

When he was gone, Liam stared helplessly at his friends.

Niall gave him two thumbs up. ‘Go for it, Liam!’

‘Eye of the tiger, Li,’ said Harry, gesturing at his eyes with his fingers.

‘Take off the trunks, boy,’ Louis hooted.

Liam flipped him off.

Louis’ face softened and he held out two thumbs up as well. ‘Good luck.’

 

 

 

 

The thing was that Liam loved Zayn more than anything in the world but he was even more terrified now than when they’d first started because what if the second time didn’t work? What if they’d break apart even more spectacularly without a way back to each other, even as friends? 

Liam kept telling himself that it was enough to have Zayn's friendship if it was the only part of Zayn he could have anymore. It had to be enough. 

 

 

 

 

The sea was still warm but it would become cold in the following weeks as summer faded to autumn. Liam swam out to the deeper part of the beach, letting the waves buoy him about as he kicked his legs under the water. He dove under the surface, keeping his eyes open for as long as he could stand and when he went up for air, the world above seemed just as blurry and dark as the one below the waves.

He didn’t want to think, so Liam didn’t, instead doing long laps that made his muscles and lungs burn. When he was tired of those, Liam floated on his back, fingers threading through the waves. His ears were full with the sound of water breaking over the shore, of echoing music that lulled him to sleep, so that he jerked awake from the half-sleep he’d fallen into when he heard Zayn shouting his name.

‘Liam! Liam!’

Liam dragged his palm over his face and squinted against the light. Zayn was just a tiny, restless blob in the distance. He’d drifted farther out than he’d expected. Liam swam back towards shore, the calm that had come over him ebbing away, leaving behind a knotted mess of nerves in his belly.

He couldn’t help the way his lips quirked in amusement, though, when he was close enough to see the disgruntled look on Zayn’s face as he waved his arms in the air.

There was a familiar scolding note in his tone as he said, ‘You’re a git, Liam! How many times have I told you not to do that by yourself? You’ll end up floating your way to America if you do!’

‘Too many times,’ Liam said with a nostalgic twist in his chest, but he didn’t mind it so much. Not when Zayn blinked and lost all of his words as Liam walked out of the water, dripping wet and only wearing a snug pair of Speedos.

Pink spread across the jut of Zayn’s cheekbones and his eyes slid away guiltily. ‘Don’t be an arse.’

Liam bit the inside of his cheek, watching Zayn fidget in front of him. His eyes were drawn to the other boy’s slender shape, every bit of him as delicately formed as a glass figurine and just as breakable in some ways.

‘Do you really want to learn how to swim?’ Liam asked, shivering when a cool gust blew over. ‘Let’s get into the water first, yeah?’

Zayn hesitated before nodding, following after Liam as he waded to the shallow part of the water, the sand tickling under their feet. There was a terrified look on Zayn’s face, tempered by the determination not to show it. Liam was still familiar with the lines of his face, how it would grow taut with the effort of trying to appear fearless and unaffected. 

Liam reached out to touch Zayn’s cheek before he stopped, reminding himself that he couldn’t. ‘Do you,’ Liam bit at his thumbnail and shoved his dripping fringe away with his other hand, ‘want to learn how to tread water, maybe?’

‘No, I – ’ Zayn licked his lips and looked around him, his eyes settling on Liam briefly. It struck Liam then that this was the first time in days that Zayn wasn’t able to look at him properly. It stung, if Liam was being honest. Zayn took a deep breath. ‘I want to, to learn how to float. Like, what you were just doing, except not so far out.’

‘Oh. But why?’ The question was out of his mouth before he could swallow it down. Liam was curious, though. Zayn hated swimming with a passion. He was afraid of water, of drowning, of not being able to breathe as you were sucked in without any hope of reaching the surface. Not for the first time, Liam wondered if that was how Zayn felt about being in love. For Liam, love was like running; whether you were running away from it or towards it, you could never be fast enough.

‘I just do, alright?’ Zayn answered a touch defensively. He blew out a breath. Softly, he added, ‘And I’d rather you teach me than anyone else. I still trust you the most, Liam.’

Liam felt cold at those words. He understood them because he still trusted Zayn more than anything; the person Liam had lost all faith in was himself.

He reached out and lightly touched Zayn’s bare shoulder. A shock went up his arm and by the way Zayn’s eyes widened and his muscles shifted, Zayn felt it too. ‘Alright, let’s get started, okay?’ He ignored the feeling of Zayn under his hand, his skin dry and warm. ‘Why don’t we go somewhere deeper first, maybe at waist level.’

Liam led Zayn farther from the shore until the waves were brushing around their navels. Zayn was clutching Liam’s arm tightly, and his chest was rising and falling with panicky breaths.

‘Hey, hey, look at me, Zayn.’ He tilted up Zayn’s face, revealing pupils dilated with fright. He placed his hand on the back of Zayn’s neck, thumb rubbing circles on the curve of it. ‘It’s alright, I won’t let you drown. We won’t go any deeper, yeah?’

Zayn gulped in deep breaths and gave a jerky nod, wide eyes fixed on Liam.

‘Okay, good.’ Liam cleared his throat and reluctantly let go of Zayn. ‘Floating may seem easy but it can be tricky for some, like, if you easily panic or get scared of water...’ He trailed off when Zayn shot him a narrow-eyed glare. ‘Right. Well. The most important thing about floating is to relax.’

He eyed the way Zayn was hugging himself tightly, keeping his elbows off the water as if it would bite. He licked his lips and moved forward slowly.

‘Here,’ he said softly, holding out his hand. ‘Grab on tight, and squeeze my hand if you get too nervous.’

‘What?’

‘Come on, Zayn. Hold on to me.’ He wriggled his fingers until Zayn unfolded his arms and reluctantly took Liam’s hand. It was instinct when Liam twined their fingers together, fitting easily into the spaces in between. Zayn stared at their hands with knotted eyebrows, and he seemed to grow even edgier. Not exactly the effect Liam was going for.

He raised his eyebrows in warning as he placed his other hand on the small of Zayn’s back.

‘Lie on your back,’ Liam instructed, trying to remain detached even as his mind unhelpfully started a slideshow of all the times they’d been in a similar position and it had ended up with Zayn’s legs wrapped round his neck and Liam nearly breaking his hip.

Zayn was stiff and heavy as Liam guided him on his back. His legs kicked out all of a sudden and his face went under the surface. Gasping, Zayn shot upright and clung to Liam’s arm, sputtering wildly until Liam patted his back, mumbling reassurances.

‘I can’t, I’ve changed my mind, I don’t even know why I’m doing this,’ Zayn sniffed, wiping at his face.

‘Wait, no, you can do it, yeah?’ Liam pushed Zayn’s soggy hair back from his face. ‘Look, you said you trust me, right? I won’t let go of you, I promise. I won’t let you go too far. I’ll be right here next to you the whole time, Zayn.’

Zayn wasn’t looking at him, gaze trained on the gently undulating water. The rest of Liam’s words stuck in his throat when he realised what he’d just said. It sent a sharp ache through him.

When he next spoke, Liam kept his voice as light, as free of meaning, as possible. ‘Let’s try it again.’

The next few times weren’t any better because Zayn still jerked at unexpected moments and sank under. Liam was quick in pulling him up before he could really panic. The afternoon heat was making Zayn’s cheeks redden, stinging the skin of his arms and chest that rarely saw the sunlight. Liam tried not to be distracted by the way the water slid down Zayn’s body, made him gleam when he angled in a particular way and caught the sunlight. A part of Liam wanted to make a joke about Zayn being Edward Cullen, and maybe they could laugh about the time Harry had read the books and liked them (although he’d been very frustrated about Bella being, well, _Bella_ ), but he decided against it when Zayn still stiffened at every inadvertent brush of Liam’s knuckles on his skin.

Zayn was able to lie on his back without any support from Liam (except the death grip he had on Liam’s hand) when Liam decided they’d had enough. It was sweltering out and Liam didn’t fancy getting sunburn.

‘We could have another go at it tomorrow,’ Liam suggested casually, trying not to let the hope creep into his voice. This had been the longest time they’d spent together without it becoming too awkward that they just had to get away. Liam wasn’t sure where this was going and kept repeating to himself that it was just a mate asking for swimming lessons, nothing more.

Still, his traitorous heart gave a leap when Zayn nodded and gave the tiniest of smiles, a real one, and Liam couldn’t help but stare helplessly because it reminded him of _his_ Zayn, the one who’d wear that exact same look, the one that said _I love you, I love you, I love you_.

‘Tomorrow then,’ Zayn agreed before making his way out of the water.

Liam stared after him for a bit before following.

 

 

 

 

He had to wait until all the other boys were well and truly asleep, when all the noise in the world was the rhythmic snoring from Niall or the restless rustling of sheets from Louis’ corner before Zayn stirred and crawled over to Liam’s side. The moonlight picked out the sharp angles of his face and the tempting curve of his bottom lip, and Liam, just like the other nights, didn’t dare make a sound or move a muscle until Zayn was snugly fitted in the circle of his arms.

Zayn dropped his forehead on Liam’s chest and mumbled sleepily, much too low for Liam to hear but he wasn’t trying very hard. He smoothed back Zayn’s hair. Liam wanted to know what Zayn was thinking, why Zayn slept with him at night, and why he left long before the other boys woke up and found them. But he held the words in and gave himself these few stolen hours, sliding his nose along the delicate shell of Zayn’s ear just to hear him snuffle and have him squirm even deeper into Liam’s embrace.

 

 

 

 

‘I’m going to let go now,’ Liam warned him, fingertips pressing into Zayn’s back. ‘Just keep calm, and you’ll be fine. You’re almost there.’ 

Zayn deliberately smoothed out his face, allowing himself to be buoyed by the water. He jerked his head in agreement.

Liam let his hands fall away, watching avidly as Zayn visibly struggled to stay afloat. Liam trailed his fingers over Zayn’s brow and said, ‘Relax, babe. You’re light as a feather. You’re a balloon but, like, in water. So, er, you’re a submarine.’

Zayn snorted, teeth digging into a smile that made Liam feel really fucking proud of himself, almost as proud of the fact that Zayn was actually floating.

‘Oh there, see! You’re doing it!’ Liam exclaimed, clapping his hands. ‘Oh my God, I think I’m actually going to cry.’

‘Shut up, Li, it’s not that big of a deal,’ Zayn giggled, then frowned. ‘You’re ruining my concentration. Am I supposed to work this hard? I thought the whole point of floating was the opposite.’

‘That’ll come later,’ Liam reassured, ‘when you get better at it. Then you’re going to float to America.’

There was a hint of a smile in Zayn’s voice. ‘I might just do that. Save me from bloody expensive airfare.’

Liam chuckled and playfully splashed Zayn on the face.

Zayn spluttered and sat up, scowling at Liam. ‘What was that for, you dick!’

‘Congratulations, you just learnt how to float. You’re _this_ close to actually swimming.’ Liam held his thumb and forefinger an inch apart and beamed at Zayn. The truth was Liam was bouncing on the inside with excitement and he was nearly overcome with the urge to hug Zayn.

A slow smile spread on Zayn’s face. ‘I did, didn’t I? Me, Zayn Malik, was just floating!’ Then he laughed, and there was utter delight in the sound and Liam fell in love all over again when he heard it. It had been too long since he’d heard such pure joy coming from Zayn. This was how Zayn was supposed to be: beaming at the sky, all toothy smiles and crinkled eyes.

He turned eagerly towards Liam. ‘Come on, let’s do it together.’

Against his better judgment, Liam agreed, caught up in Zayn’s exhilaration. They lay on their backs, floating close together, their hands brushing with every passing wave until Zayn reached out and curled his fingers round Liam’s wrist. Liam kept half of his attention on not drifting too far away from shore, whilst the rest was focused on the feel of Zayn’s fingers touching him. Could Zayn feel the way his pulse was jumping at the simple contact?

Liam blew out a breath and decided to take his own advice for once: _relax_.  

It was hard to have a conversation with their ears underwater, muffling every sound. There was something drugging about being on one’s back, gently swaying with the waves. It would be easy to fall asleep like this; just let them both float away from the world until all their problems were left on land far, far away.                              

Zayn’s fingers tightened around Liam’s hand. ‘I think, I think,’ Zayn began softly, ‘I can finally move on from you.’

Gasping, Liam went under. For a wild second, he thought that he’d been shot in the heart with a gun; it felt like it, and Zayn’s words echoed in his head like the ringing of the shot.

Two hands grasped Liam under his arms and dragged him up to the surface. He coughed out the water in his lungs and wiped at eyes, which stung with tears from the sea salt.

‘What the fuck was that, Liam?’ Zayn shouted, shoving Liam back and punching his shoulder. ‘I thought you were drowning, for God’s sake!’

Liam rubbed his nose. ‘We’re in four feet of water, Zed.’

Zayn softened at the nickname but there was still a definite pout to his lips. ‘You could still drown if I hold your head underwater,’ grumbled the other boy. He glared at the waves lapping around them for a few seconds before he made an annoyed sound and slapped his hand on the surface.

‘It’s cold, m’heading back,’ Zayn said.

Liam caught the other boy’s hand and felt him go very still. Liam swallowed around the hesitation in his throat. ‘Do you - do you mean it?’

Zayn didn’t look at him.

‘Zayn - ’

‘What do you want, Liam?’ Zayn suddenly asked, pulling his hand away and turning to face Liam. ‘I don’t - you’re confusing me. One minute you’re dumping me and the next you’re letting me sleep with you. Stop messing with my head.’

Eyebrows rising up high, Liam waved his arms in the air. ‘That’s not fair. I didn’t dump you; we both decided to break up! And _you_ came to _me_ , Zayn; I was simply being a good mate.’ Liam lifted his chin. ‘I - I’m getting on fine without you.’

Zayn seemed to deflate right in front of him. He wrapped his arms around his waist, hands tightly gripping his elbows, head bent low. ‘Fine, if it’s _that_ easy for you. I just, I don’t care anymore.’

‘Easy for – God, you’re impossible!’ Liam raked his hands through his hair in frustration. ‘I lied, okay? All this time, I’ve been lying.’

‘Then what is the truth, Li?’ Zayn asked quietly. His eyes searched Liam’s face for something and Liam was too weary with heartache to hide anything. Slowly, Zayn reached up to gently stroke the spot he’d hit on Liam’s chest. His fingers made a path through the moisture and Zayn’s lips opened a tiny bit as he stared; his tongue poked out and ran across his bottom lip.

Liam held completely still, afraid to move and frighten Zayn away. He couldn’t see anything but Zayn’s face: wet hair plastered to his forehead, eyes bright, lips even brighter. Liam traced with his eyes the path a droplet took down Zayn’s cheek and he longed to wipe it away with his tongue.

‘Liam,’ Zayn murmured softly, as if hypnotised. Then he blinked and that wall came up, the one that Zayn hid behind so often that not even Liam could penetrate sometimes. The sight of Zayn’s shuttered eyes sparked something inside Liam. He was fucking done. This was going nowhere and Liam didn’t want to feel the hollowness in his chest anymore.

When had he and Zayn become so bad at talking?

Liam shook his head and touched Zayn’s cheek with the back of his hand. ‘I miss you,’ he admitted, voice quiet, almost drowned out by the breaking of the waves on the shore. ‘I try not to but I do, constantly, even when you are just a few feet away. Those times are the worst because all I want to do is hold you but I can’t anymore and it kills me everytime.’

Zayn made a noise in the back of his throat as if in agreement. He didn’t move away, eyes fixed on Liam, emotion glimmering in their depths.

‘I want you,’ Liam went on, because every word that fell from his lips was the truth and they hurt like fuck and maybe, just maybe, might make him happy again. ‘I want your smile and your laugh and your eyes and your lips and your body and I want you beside me, over me, in me, and I want you sweet and happy and I’m pretty certain I’ll still want you if you’re cross and ill. I did before.

Liam brought his other hand up until he was cupping Zayn’s face, tilting it up slightly. Zayn wrapped his fingers around Liam’s wrists. A thumb stroked gentle circles on Zayn’s cheekbone, red from the heat of the sun or, Liam hoped, blushing because of him.

‘And I love you, Zayn,’ said Liam, ‘and I tried to stop, I promise, but I couldn’t. It’s impossible. I’m a mess without you, and I know we decided that we can’t anymore, but I’m beginning to see that the other lads are right: we _are_ idiots if we can’t see that _this_ – ’ he kissed Zayn’s mouth lingeringly, heart skipping a beat at the soft touch because _finally_ , _‘ - this_ is worth it. I’m sorry for letting other people convince me that it isn’t.’

Zayn’s fingers quivered. He closed his eyes and let out a long breath, shoulders slumping.

‘You fucking _dick_ ,’ Zayn said with feeling, eyes snapping open to glare at him. ‘I was _so_ ready to move on, damn you.’

Liam shook his head. ‘I don’t want you to. Not when I can’t – ’

‘Selfish git,’ Zayn grumbled.

‘ – live without you.’

Zayn huffed, but his mouth curved upwards. His blush turned a shade darker. ‘Sweet words but they don’t mean anything.’

‘Yes, they do. Do you want proof? Because I can get you a list, Zayn.’

‘What kind of romantic shit is that?’ Zayn wondered. ‘You’re supposed to convince me to come back.’

‘But aren’t you already convinced?’ Liam pointed out, because he could still read Zayn perfectly, knew when Zayn leant towards him, when Zayn’s eyes followed after Liam’s every movement, when he couldn’t keep the smile off his face. When he looked at Liam like that. When he didn’t shy away as Liam brought their faces close together, Zayn’s gaze dropping to Liam’s mouth. He licked them slowly. ‘See,’ he murmured.

‘I don’t know, Liam, we tried and it didn’t work.’ Zayn pulled away the slightest bit.

But Liam had already made up his mind.

He dropped a kiss on Zayn’s forehead. ‘We’ll try again,’ a kiss to Zayn’s eyelid, ‘and again,’ to his other eye, ‘and again if we have to,’ on the tip of his nose, ‘but first you have to say yes, Zayn.’

Zayn tilted his chin, silently asking for a kiss. Liam pressed the gentlest, sweetest one to his parted lips. ‘Say yes, please. Please.’

Swallowing, Zayn whispered, ‘Yes.’

It still staggered Liam to hear it because a part of him expected Zayn to turn him away. He groaned and dragged Zayn forward, fitting their lips, coaxing them open with his tongue. Zayn eagerly met him halfway, a moan vibrating low in his throat at the first slick-rough glide. Liam echoed the sound because Zayn’s _taste_. He needed more, had to have more, could have more. The thought made his knees weak and he locked them together, pushing Zayn back in his desperate desire to surround Zayn and crawl inside of him at the same time.

Zayn’s fingers dug into Liam’s back. ‘We ought to – ’ He angled his head so he could lick at Liam’s teeth and Liam gasped into the hungry heat between them ‘ - slow down, make sure it’s - _oh_ – that we’re ready - ’

Liam nipped at Zayn’s top lip and pressed their foreheads together. His fingertips flexed on either side of Zayn’s neck. ‘You’re right, of course you’re right.’

‘You taste the same,’ Zayn mumbled hazily, brushing their noses together, mouths bumping accidentally on purpose. He rocked forward on his toes a bit. ‘I missed you. So much. You don’t even know. I felt so fucking wretched, Li.’

‘God, don’t say things like that,’ Liam said as he pulled back - or tried to, but he didn’t like the distance and leaned in to nuzzle against Zayn’s cheek. ‘You said to go slow, Zayn.’

‘I know.’ Sighing, Zayn gave Liam’s bare chest a pat, but his fingertips lingered and reverently traced across a slick collarbone, then lower, his palm grazing on a pink nipple.

They both stopped on an inhale, eyes locking on one another.

Then - 

Their lips crashed together almost violently, tongues battling until Zayn made a triumphant sound and licked his way into Liam’s mouth.

‘Fuck slow,’ Zayn moaned as he arched against Liam, one leg curling around Liam’s thigh. ‘Want you to fuck me now. Please.’

Liam bit down on Zayn’s lip. ‘Thank God.’

‘You can call me Zayn,’ the other boy quipped with a blinding smile and Liam laughed, loud and clear, and kissed him soundly on the mouth. How had he ever let go of this feeling?

They dragged each other out of the water, Liam laughing when Zayn fell over when a particularly strong wave caught him by the knees. Zayn splashed Liam in the face even as he let Liam pull him up, and Liam kissed him despite the sand stuck on the other boy’s lips. Their fingers tangled tightly between them as they ran back to the house, leaving haphazard footsteps on the sand.

Liam pushed Zayn against the front door and sucked on his neck, intent on leaving as many marks as possible to make up for the last few months. Zayn gasped and clutched the back of Liam’s head, his other hand scrabbling to find the doorknob. The door suddenly swung open and they nearly fell on their arses, Liam propping himself against the doorframe just in time with Zayn hanging off of him. 

Harry beamed at them. ‘We could hear you shouting from here.’

‘We thought you were fighting,’ Niall added, a wide grin splitting his face.

Louis scoffed. ‘Instead we find you two about to fuck each other. Again.’

‘It’s called foreplay, Louis,’ said Zayn, groaning when Liam pressed his dick against his bum. ‘And if you’ll excuse us – ’ Zayn tugged Liam past the three boys smirking at them, but there was no hiding the fact that they looked over the moon about what was happening.

Their joy was mirrored in Liam’s chest, only it was a million times more potent.

Just before the door closed behind them, Liam heard Louis yell out, ‘And don’t break the bed this time! This isn’t our bloody house!’

Liam smothered his amusement into Zayn’s mouth, holding his head steady because they were both giggling too much. The sound was mingled relief and happiness. They stumbled towards the bed, still kissing feverishly; Liam loved the taste of Zayn on his tongue again, and he licked inside Zayn’s mouth for more. Zayn kicked off his shorts and dragged Liam down the bed.

‘Liam,’ Zayn whispered, urgent hands roving all over Liam’s chest and stomach. He made a needy sound. ‘Haven’t touched you in ages. Like, your muscles, I need to – ’

Breathing heavily, Liam bit on Zayn’s earlobe and rocked their hips together. ‘You’ve not told me you love me yet. I poured my heart out to you and you just keep talking about my body.’

Eyes glinting, Zayn rolled them over until he was on top. He was unfairly beautiful, all swollen lips and cheeks flushed with want. ‘Of course I want your body, I mean look at it.’ His eyes swept over Liam, from his face, to his bare chest and abs, to the dick straining against the material of his red Speedos. He leant down and sucked just under Liam’s jaw. ‘You’re fucking gorgeous, Li.’

‘Zayn,’ whined Liam. The other boy didn’t have room to talk. The way Zayn looked hovering on top of Liam stole his breath away.

‘But more than that,’ Zayn went on, slipping a hand inside the tight swimming trunks and pushing it down his thighs, fingers toying with the hair at the base of Liam’s dick as it swung free, and smiling slightly at Liam’s hitching gasp, ‘I need to feel that you’re mine again, just mine. I can’t breathe without you.’ He kissed Liam, a slow burn, and moved his hand up to rub at the slick cockhead. ‘Please don’t push me away anymore. I don’t think I can survive going through that again.’

Liam shook his head – partly from pleasure, partly from disagreement. ‘You should let me in too, Zayn. I can’t just keep guessing what you feel, and you can’t just let me do all the work.’

‘Okay,’ Zayn said softly. ‘Love you, Li.’

Liam smiled and pushed his hips up. ‘Finally.’

Zayn rolled his eyes but it was ruined by the love shining out of them and the adoring way he stroked Liam’s cock. Liam fisted a hand in Zayn’s damp hair and crushed their lips together, loath to stop kissing now that they could again. It was like breathing even as it stole the air from their lungs at the same time.

He opened his eyes when Zayn pulled away to trace kisses and bites down the side of his neck, licking at the sweat and seawater lingering on Liam’s collarbones, and then pausing to press a sweet kiss over Liam’s racing heart. Liam whined low in his throat from the gesture, and made the same sound again when Zayn let go of his dick, but Zayn just shushed him and dragged his tongue across the grooves on Liam’s abdomen.

‘Missed these,’ Zayn murmured, nuzzling at Liam’s lower belly, breaths (fast and shallow) blowing on Liam’s happy trail. ‘And these – ’ he traced down the v-cut of Liam’s hips. ‘And this, especially,’ Zayn’s voice was nothing more than a deep rumble as he swirled his tongue around the base of Liam’s cock, hard and twitching from the close proximity of those full red lips.

‘God, fuck,’ Liam cursed, going up on his elbows to watch as Zayn rubbed his cheek against his dick. ‘Fuck, fuck, Zayn – ’

‘Oh,’ Zayn groaned, closing his eyes and licking his lips, ‘I miss that the most.’

Liam used his grip on Zayn’s hair to pull his head back. ‘Turn round,’ he said; the edge of command in his voice, and Zayn’s eyes grew half-lidded at the sound. He nodded and clambered over Liam until his bum was on Liam’s face. He grabbed a handful in each hand and massaged them, making Zayn purr.

Zayn peppered kisses on the head of Liam’s cock, down along the thick sensitive vein, searching out the spots that made Liam’s hips buck up. ‘If you want to tease,’ said Liam as he spread Zayn’s arsecheeks apart with his fingers, blowing on the tight pink hole revealed to him. Zayn gasped and bowed his spine, pushing his bum closer. Fingernail grazing on the sensitive rim, Liam stuck out his tongue to taste him. Salty, from the sea, and musky, purely Zayn. He sighed as he stroked the hole with his tongue, panting over it when he finally felt Zayn swallow him to the base.

The wet, hot bliss was more than Liam could bear. He stuck his middle finger inside his mouth, then pressed it against Zayn’s hole gently once, twice, then went deeper on the third. Zayn moaned around his dick, tongue slipping over the head. Liam could feel his brain cells dying one by one as he thrust into Zayn’s mouth, hitting the back of his throat. ( _So good_.) Liam snuck in another finger inside of Zayn, feeling Zayn spread his legs wide and grind back against them. Zayn had always been such a slut for Liam’s fingers, for his dick. The thought of being inside Zayn again, fucking him so hard and deep that Zayn would barely be able to make a sound, made Liam’s toes curl. He slid his tongue in alongside his fingers, loosening the other boy up as much as he could.

Zayn released Liam’s cock and bit down on the pale flesh of Liam’s inner thigh, moaning continuously with every thrust of fingers and tongue inside of him. ‘God, oh my God, Liam, Liam, please fuck me, I can’t – I need – ’

Liam pressed a kiss to Zayn’s twitching hole before guiding him round again. Liam’s breath caught in his throat the sight of Zayn’s face, twisted with desperate hunger, his eyes fever-bright with it.

‘Get the lube, there’s probably some in the drawer,’ said Liam, and Zayn did just that, stretching his long, lithe body to reach the bedside table. Liam made an appreciate noise and sucked a bruise on dip of Zayn’s ribs, before fitting his lips in the middle of Zayn’s chest, exactly where the tattoo was.

Zayn looked down at Liam, eyebrows furrowed. He hesitated, then blurted out, ‘Do I need to get a condom, too?’

Liam ran his fingers tenderly down Zayn's side before closing around a hip.  

‘No, you?’ Liam held his breath.

With a solemn look on his face, Zayn shook his head.

Relief spread to every corner of Liam’s being, pushing back the jealousy that had threatened to appear. Zayn was still his, completely and utterly. He tenderly stroked Zayn’s hipbones as Zayn settled down on his thighs, eyes brimming with a different kind of feeling. It slowed down their movements, made everything more poignant in the familiarity of each other’s bodies, how perfectly they still fit, even as desire still simmered in Liam’s belly. He kissed the knob of Zayn’s shoulder, moving up just under his ear, whispering sweet nothings as he curled three slickened fingers inside of Zayn.

Zayn gasped, twisting his hips down, hand reaching out to grasp the headboard. Liam spread his fingers, got Zayn ready as much as he could until he couldn’t take it anymore. He needed to be inside Zayn. Liam guided Zayn down on his cock with a hand on the other boy’s hip, watching with parted lips the way Zayn’s face scrunched up in pain-pleasure as he sank down on Liam until he was fully seated. Zayn’s fingers dug into Liam’s shoulder, nails raking the sweaty skin.

Liam felt like his chest was going to burst, and he ground out, ‘Move Zayn, yeah?’ as he thrust his hips up. Zayn swallowed and did as he was told, moving his hips in a way that made Liam’s head spin. He threw his head back and moaned, lifting up and sinking back down on Liam slowly, building up to a faster rhythm until he was practically bouncing on top of Liam. The bed creaked with their movements, just as loud as the slapping of their hips, the moans wrenched deep from their chests.

‘Liam, I need more,’ Zayn begged, falling forward to mouth at Liam’s cheek. He turned his head to the side and slotted their lips together. ‘Harder, faster, babe, I can’t in this position.’

‘Yeah, let me – ’ Liam lifted himself up on one hand, the other circling Zayn’s waist. Zayn draped his arms round Liam’s shoulders, threading through his short hair as he sucked on Liam’s tongue. Liam carefully flipped them over, Zayn’s surprised breath ghosting over his cheek. He slipped out, and Zayn whined, and his fingernails clawed down Liam’s back.

Liam hooked one of Zayn’s legs over his elbow and pushed the other one to Zayn’s side, bent at the knee, exposing Zayn completely. With a grunt, Liam slid back in, deeper this time, and he angled his hips to find that sweet spot that would –

‘God, right there, Li,’ Zayn gasped, holding his hips still so Liam could hit it again, and again, and again, ‘just _there_ , fuck.’

Liam blinked the sweat out of his eyes. ‘Yeah? Feel good, baby?’

‘So fucking much.’ Zayn’s fingers knotted on the duvet, his other hand curling round his dick. His eyes blazed as he stared at Liam. ‘I – I wanted to feel you again, Liam, like this, like, you filling me up with your huge dick and making me feel so good, so loved.’

‘I do love you,’ Liam said, breath stuttering out of his chest every time he bottomed out, lower lip sucked in between his teeth. ‘Love you, Zayn, and I’m gonna make you come, yeah? And make up for the months you had to sleep all alone.’

Zayn whimpered and reached for Liam. ‘Come here, babe, I’m so close, I need to kiss you.’

Liam bent down, nearly folding Zayn in half just so he could ghost his lips over Zayn’s, then press firmer. His tongue lapped at Zayn’s teeth, swallowing around his moans as he drove them both crazy. Zayn pushed up every time Liam fucked into him, and his hand moved so fast over his dick it was almost a blur.

‘Oh, oh, harder – there – I’m gonna – ’

‘I’m never letting you go.’ Liam licked the shell of Zayn’s ear and murmured, ‘Yeah, come for me, Zayn.’

Zayn arched his head back as he came, hips falling out of rhythm as he painted his chest with his come. Liam stared greedily at the beautiful grimace on Zayn’s face, the way his red lips parted around a mantra of his name. God, he thought he would never see that again. The feeling of Zayn tight and hot around him, the sound of Zayn whimpering his name, the smell of sex and sweat and the taste of Zayn’s lips that stuck to the roof of his mouth, these were the things that Liam lived for, that made him feel alive.

He was still thrusting into Zayn, and Zayn blinked languidly at him. He wrapped both legs around Liam’s hips and moaned. ‘That was so amazing, Li,’ he said, words slurring in the afterglow. He stroked the straining muscles on Liam’s arms and shoulders. ‘Always so good. My Liam. Mine. _Oh_.’

Liam pushed his forehead against Zayn’s, hips stuttering as the coil in his belly sprang open and he moaned long and loud as he spilled inside Zayn. Zayn made a soft keening sound as he clenched around Liam, milking every bit of his orgasm out of him.

When the room stopped spinning, Liam pulled out of Zayn and lay down beside him. His chest heaved with the need for air but he kissed Zayn anyway, losing his breath all over again. Zayn hummed and ran his thumb over the scruff on Liam’s jaw, lips curled in a contented smile. Liam swiped his fingers on the mess on Zayn’s chest and brought it to his lips, tongue wiping them clean.

He opened his eyes to find Zayn watching him.

‘Still taste good,’ Liam murmured with a wicked little grin. He bent forward to dip his tongue on the smear next to Zayn’s nipple. Then moved on to the nipple.

The other boy arched his back. ‘Glad to know.’ Zayn let Liam lick him clean and when he was done, when Liam was settling back down on the bed with a self-satisfied look on his face, Zayn inched forward and snuggled close to him, arm and leg thrown possessively over Liam.

Liam tickled Zayn under his jaw. ‘Hey.’

Zayn smiled. ‘Hey.’

‘We should go on a date.’

‘Hmmm. Haven’t had one of those in a while.’

‘I know. Let’s like, go all out: dinner with a candle on the table, a walk in the park, then a late-night film after.’

‘Wow, how exciting.’

Liam threaded their fingers together and kissed the heel of Zayn’s palm. ‘It depends on the company, I’ve been told.’

Zayn bit his lip. ‘What about Management, though? They won’t be happy with this. I mean, Perrie and I are done, but there’s still your girlfriend,’ he might or might not spit the word out and Liam squeezed his hand, ‘and I don’t want to share anymore, Li, even on paper.’

Sighing, Liam brushed his fingers through Zayn’s messy hair, lightly scratching his scalp. ‘Me too. I think we ought to discuss this with the other boys too.’

‘I’m pretty sure they all agree with us,’ Zayn said.

‘It’s going to be a shit storm, Z.’

Zayn tilted his head back and caught Liam’s gaze. ‘Then don’t let go, okay?’

 

 

 

 

(Liam curled his hands round Zayn, heart beating fast at the feel of him under his palms. Zayn wiped the water from Liam’s face, laughing softly because it was futile, the showerhead still streaming above them, washing them clean. He brushed their noses together and then kissed Liam’s forehead. Zayn smiled at Liam and Liam felt something crack in his chest, some wall that gave way because he didn’t need it anymore.

Cradled in Zayn’s embrace, the only place that Liam had ever felt safe in, Liam scrunched up his face and finally let the tears go.)

 

 

 

 

‘Shhh, Liam.' 

Giggle. ‘Come on Zayn.’

Thud. ‘Ow, don’t push so hard.’

‘Shut up, you love it.’

Moan. ‘Yeah, I do.’

Laugh. ‘Quiet, Zayn, they’re asleep.’

‘If we’re fucking asleep, then why don’t you shut the fuck up?’ Louis snarled from the nest of blankets on the lounge.

‘Don’t be mean, Lou,’ Harry slurred out sleepily. ‘Let them be giggly and happy for a bit.’

‘Well can you be a bit quieter in your happiness?’ Louis grumbled. ‘I’m having an ace dream.’

Liam reached up on his toes and searched for his iPhone behind the line of books on the top shelf. He found it and waved the device at Zayn, who grinned widely in pride and pecked Liam full on the mouth.

‘I love you.’

‘Love you too, babe, so much you can’t even – ’

‘Oh my God, get out,’ Louis said and flung a pillow in their direction.

Liam and Zayn stumbled outside, where it was cold and the loudest sound was the crashing of the waves. Zayn wound his arms round Liam’s waist and peered at the glowing screen as Liam phoned his mother, putting it on speaker.

Her worried voice answered on the first ring. ‘Liam, what is it? Did – ’

He chuckled breathlessly from the feeling of Zayn’s fingers caressing his back. ‘Mum, hey, I know it’s late but – ’

‘Oh Liam!’ she cried in delight, and they heard her burst into tears, and behind that, Liam’s father went, ‘What, Karen? _What?_ ’

Liam and Zayn shared an amused look. Zayn tilted the phone towards him.

‘Hello, Karen, sorry to disturb you but Liam wanted – ’

‘No, it’s all on you; I said it could wait in the morning!’ Liam protested around his grin.

‘I knew it, I knew it,’ Karen said, and there was a slap and an annoyed grunt from Geoff. ‘Geoff, our boys are back together! Didn’t I tell you? Didn’t I? Tricia is going to go mad!’

‘Yes, dear.’

Zayn stuck out his tongue. Liam huffed out a laugh.

It took a few more moments before Karen composed herself. ‘Liam,’ she called, her voice as loving and joyful as Liam remembered during the best times of his life.

‘Mum?’

‘I’m so glad this is your answer.’

A bemused look came over Zayn’s face but Liam just smiled. He rubbed Zayn’s cheek with his thumb. Something precious. Something to make Liam happy.

 

 

 

 

They spent the night on the beach, lying on a blanket spread over the sand. Sleep was unimportant as they held each other close, whispering into each other’s ear and making out until their lips became numb. They only fell quiet when the sun was inching up the sky, lighting the world with faint pink and orange and purple.

When the sun was high enough, and their skin was starting to turn pink from the heat, Liam sighed and nudged Zayn gently. Zayn nodded. Liam got up first and held out a hand to Zayn, pulling him up. Zayn brushed the sand from his shorts and yawned, reaching up to ruffle his hair.

‘Ready to face the cavalry?’ asked Liam with a twitch of his lips. ‘And by that I mean Louis’ smugness.’

Zayn eyed him in amusement. ‘If we must. I’m all covered in sand anyway.’

Slowly, they made their way back to the house, their pinkies hooked together and swinging slightly between them. When they got inside, Louis, Niall, and Harry were sat on the sofa, talking amongst themselves. The door swung shut with a loud noise that made the three boys look up simultaneously. It was sort of creepy, and Zayn and Liam exchanged secret grins.

‘So,’ Louis said with that arch of his eyebrows, the word heavy with meaning, ‘you two disturbing my sleep wasn’t a dream, then.’

‘Nope,’ Liam said cheerfully, smacking the “p” in exaggeration. It made Zayn turn his face into Liam’s shoulder to hide a snort.

It was like déjà vu, the way the other lads were staring at them, eyes darting between their faces and their clasped hands. Liam met Harry’s eyes and gave a small, reassuring smile and Harry broke out into a grin and slung an arm round Niall’s shoulders.

‘Fucking finally!’ Niall cried, throwing his arms up in the air and dislodging Harry’s grip. ‘I can finally relax. But ugh, the amount of makeup sex – just keep the noise down, yeah? And please don’t do it outside the bedroom!’

‘Which you two can have until we leave,’ said Harry, wagging his eyebrows.

‘Thanks,’ Zayn said quietly, but his voice was so warm and glad that Liam tugged him even closer and pressed a kiss to his cheek.

‘I am officially sick of them again,’ Louis declared, giving Liam and Zayn a rare smile that reached his blue eyes, making them look soft for once.

‘So can I watch telly now?’ whinged Niall, making grabby hands at the remote which was just out of his reach. Liam nodded his head and plopped down on the sofa and a second later, Zayn climbed up on his lap.

Harry and Louis, who were on either side of the two, instantly pulled them into a giant hug, to which Niall let out a huff and soon joined in, all of them a tangle of limbs and happy laughter. Then Harry reached over Niall’s head and tugged on Louis’ sleeve. Louis nodded and as one they got up and went over to the bookshelf where they’d hidden their mobiles.

‘Need to phone Michael,’ muttered Harry, fingers flying over the keypad of his Blackberry.

Louis plucked his mobile from behind the set of John Grisham novels. ‘Ringing Eleanor, lads, cheers.’

They disappeared out to the back garden, soft voices petering away.

Niall scowled and crossed his arms. ‘Oh that’s ruddy brilliant; I’m the odd one out again.’

Liam muffled his chuckle into the side of Zayn’s neck, and Zayn ran his hands across Liam’s shoulders. He felt Zayn’s smile at his temple and Liam let out the long breath he’d been holding in for months. His chest ached but in a good way, mostly. Loving hands sifted through his hair. He curled a hand round Zayn’s hip and closed his eyes. He took a deep breath, the scents of his shampoo and Zayn’s body wash combining to make the most comforting smell on earth.

Liam was home.

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> At first I wasn't planning on a happy ending, but then I couldn't and I had to write them happy and back together - because happy endings are what I want for Liam and Zayn, and what I wish for them, and what I sometimes fear won't happen, so okay, even if in just my fics, I'll give them a happy ending. 
> 
> Feedback is always appreciated and honestly makes me feel better about myself.


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